This week on The Couples Expert I’m addressing a condition that happens far too often in long term relationships. It happens when couples become stuck in a relationship that has their great, burning, passionate love reduced to roommate status. This is not done by any one decision that a partner in the relationship makes; quite the opposite. Over time, complacency and routine creep in to quench that fire and cool the ardor; until the couple that was once aflame with burning desire, are living as polite roommates in the home.

You might not see this as a bad thing. You like each other, you’re both comfortable, and you’re settled in your lives together living as friends. You feel safe and secure. You may even believe that this is what is meant to happen. You should be friends with your partner of course, but if you’re in a committed relationship, you should and can be so much more!

I see this scenario as settling for something far less than the two of you deserve. If you think that this is all there is and all that there ever will be for the rest of your lives, I’m here to tell you, that’s wrong thinking!

Living as roommates with your partner is a symptom of something inherently unhealthy in your interactions with your partner. If you wanted a roommate, why did you get a lover, why did you get married? You could have just moved in with a friend. Something is missing here, and I’m going to help you find out what it is.

This is not a terminal illness, but what I like to think of as a temporary detour off the path of your loving relationship. The passion that you once shared for living together is not gone forever. It’s merely hibernating for a time .You will need to make the changes necessary to awaken it again. No matter how long you’ve been together, your age or physical condition, you can live out the rest of your lives together in happiness and love; savoring every single day you have together.

Realize and recognize it – It’s nothing to be ashamed about, just a blip on the radar. We go through a lot of phases in our lives, and you can view the roommate phase as just a time you went through that showed you how you wanted to live together going forward.

Address it together – You both have what you need inside of you to put this relationship back on track. The first step is to talk about the conditions you’re living under and agree that you both want it to change. Avoid the trap of trying to go back to the way things used to be. We don’t ever want to move backward into the past. Address what’s happening now, today, then look ahead to create the reality that you both want for tomorrow.

Get help if you need it – If you feel stuck and can’t see any way forward, it’s time (or past time) to get some professional help. See a counselor that specializes in couples counseling. You want someone who is practicing using an attachment model. This is the way to get you and your partner to see what you need to feel loved and important in your relationship. When you and your partner are ready to make a change, having the assistance of a qualified therapist in your corner increases your chances for success. Your counselor can help you identify the problems that led you to where you are now, and give you strategies and tools to help you move forward into the relationship you really want to have with your partner.

Make the change – Evict your roommate and move your lover in.  Start by recognizing how very much they mean to you and how important they are to you. Then begin to communicate that to them. Start spending more time together as a couple and realize how much you enjoy being together. Roommates live separate lives, checking in periodically with their housemates. Life partners and spouses live their lives completely intertwined and involved with each other. Involve your partner in your life to a greater degree. Start to share more and more experiences together until you’re living with your partner as the other half of you.

Rekindle your passion for each other. Revive your intimate life and become physically close and connected again. When you rediscover how wonderful it is to have a burning desire for your partner and to have your sexual desires fulfilled, you’ll never want to go back to being roommates again!

Sure, you will still have things that you want and need to do on your own, but your partner has once again become an integral part of your life. All decision making involves considering your partner and what your relationship needs. The impact of every decision is weighed against that. When your partner’s happiness is the thing that you want most, then you’ll know you’ve elevated your relationship out of roommate status and made that all important leap into living the life you’re meant to have. A life that’s full of joy, laughter, love and happiness with that one person you can’t do without.

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