Communicating effectively is an integral part of having a healthy relationship.One of the best things about having a partner in your life is having someone to talk and to share with. Having a sounding board for ideas, sharing feelings, even having someone to commiserate with when things get tough helps you know that you’re not alone. When you have a supporter, a cheerleader, someone you can be authentically yourself with, it goes a long way towards feeling secure and happy in your life. But what happens when your partner is not communicative or open?

Not everyone has the same level of communication with our partners. Some of you are partnered with people who struggle to express themselves; are vulnerable to negative emotions, or are triggered by events that recall past events that were hurtful or traumatic. When emotions get too intense, they tend to shut down, withdraw, isolate and pull away, sequestering themselves alone while they process what’s happening. If this sounds familiar, you have a challenge on your hands. You likely are not communicating effectively. If I am describing you, then you might recognize that your partner is potentially being negatively affected by your habit of withdrawing and isolating yourself. 

The tendency to isolate and withdraw is a protective measure. It might be learned behavior stemming from hurt and trauma earlier in life, or it might be an organic result of an introverted personality or someone who becomes easily overwhelmed by emotions. Withdrawing into our own heads, keeping our own counsel, or simply being alone to process our thoughts are not intrinsically bad things. They’re simply different ways of coping. The problems are created when you’re in a love relationship and your partner needs you, but you leave them out in the cold. You will need to work on communicating effective it may take time but its worth the effort.

Here are some suggestions as to how you and your partner can learn to open up to one another and communicate more freely. 

  • Learn to recognize the signs: Get to know your partner’s “tells” – When is it that they begin to pull away or shut down? If you see a pattern in this type of behavior, you can recognize the signs. Remind yourself that it’s getting too intense, or emotional, so you need to de-escalate the discussion, or you can remind them that they’re starting to shut down, and maybe you can take a step back and revisit the issue when you’re calmer. 


  • Set aside a time for regular discussion/interaction:  Communicating effectively requires practice. You and your partner need to have important discussions about life, finances, parenting, etc. Nothing should be off the table in your relationship. You should be able to discuss anything together, and sometimes that means you schedule the discussions so that your partner has time to mentally prepare to have those conversations.


  • Be patient and understanding: Knowing that one of you struggles with this issue allows you to be compassionate and empathetic about it. It’s normal to feel frustrated, or annoyed when you are not getting what you want or need. Your love for your partner allows you to be understanding of their problems with communication. This patience instills confidence in your partner and may help to draw them out. 
  • Learn de-escalation tools: Sometimes you just can’t hash everything out, you need to take a break, a time-out, or simply check your energy level and take it down a notch. We get fired up over important and emotional issues, and that may be just a little too much for your partner to deal with. Practice taking a breath and asking calm, direct questions, with an open mind and heart so that your partner feels confident that emotions aren’t going to overwhelm the conversation.This will allow you to  be communicating effectively.


  • Resolve issues immediately and don’t let things simmer/stew: Your approach matters, and so does the subject of your conversations. When there’s something going on, you need to resolve it right away and not let yourself or your partner blow it out of proportion by overthinking. Most problems can be resolved with a calm and direct conversation. 


  • Show love and affection to one another even when your partner is withdrawn: Be sure to let your partner know that even when they are in a dark place or negative frame of mind, that you are still there for them. It can hurt to feel rejected or shut out, so do your best not to take it personally. Your partner is dealing with their own thoughts and reactions, it helps for them to know you’re not holding it against them. 


  • Make sure to always tell your partner how you are feeling: Healthy communication is a two-way street. Get into the habit of sharing your feelings with your partner so that they can feel free to do the same without judgment. It’s good for them to hear that you, too, have worries and concerns about the things you face in your daily lives, that they’re not alone in contending with negative emotions. You are an example to them when you are expressing your emotions in a healthy way. 


  • Respect boundaries and don’t push: This is a tough call, since you want to draw out your partner and you need that interaction from them, but don’t push.  Respect their need to be alone, and give them space and time to process. Remind your partner that you’re going to be there when they are ready to talk, but don’t be surprised that it may not happen on your preferred timetable. This is not something that you can fix for them.

 

  • Never be too busy or distracted to respond: When your partner wants to share with you, or have an important conversation, do your best to respond in a positive way.  Stop what you’re doing, put down your phone, mute the TV, and look them in the eye and tell them you’re ready to listen.The best way to listen is to give that person the respect of your full attention. If you are unable to do that, don’t half-ass it. Make an appointment, to set aside time as soon as you can to have that conversation this will allow you to be communicating effectively.
  • Be unfailingly supportive: Remember, this is the person you love, and the one you’ve chosen to spend your life with. The communication issues you have are just a part of the whole relationship. It’s easy to get focused on fixing your partner, but it’s not your issue to fix. Building a life with someone is a process of growing and learning individually and together. Practice good communication skills and address issues when they come up, letting each other know that doing so is a part of supporting the life that you both want to live. 

Communicating effectively will be  crucial to a successful and happy relationship. The foundation of communication is trust. If you feel that you’re doing all you can, and your partner is still withdrawn, or refuses to address important issues in the relationship, you need help. A couple’s therapist can help to get to the heart of the issues that are keeping you apart. Seek help before you go from frustration to despair.  Communication skills can be learned, and new habits can be formed, if you both want to learn. It’s never too late to work on yourself and your relationship.