MARRIAGE COUNSELING:  CAN YOUR MARRIAGE BE SAVED?

This is not a “how-to guide” to fixing your marriage, but instead some insight and words of encouragement. So many couples that come to my Couples Expert office for counseling are hopeless, they feel helpless and have such deep pain and hurt that they cannot see a clear way out of it. They’re truly at their wit’s end. The thing that mostly drives them to my couch is a feeling of desperation! One last try to save their relationship usually long after they’ve decided it’s likely past saving.

There are many reasons why they’ll continue to try. Often it’s because of the time and love they’ve invested, the children they’re raising, their history together and the hope that they or their partner can change. Sometimes it’s the memory of what they once had together, a great love, a wonderful connection that drives them. Some think that I, or the counselor they’re seeing, will have a magic bullet that will somehow fix everything. What they don’t know and it often takes me a while to convince them of this; much like Dorothy and her cohorts in the Wizard of Oz, they’ve had the power within themselves to save their marriage all along! The Couples Expert is the “man behind the curtain”, the wizard that shows them how to click their heels together and make it all happen.

No one wants to admit they were wrong, that they chose badly or that they are a failure. It’s ingrained in us so deeply that we should never admit defeat. This is one of the things that keeps my Couples Expert office practice thriving. The funny thing is, when I begin to take apart all the stories and get past the hurt feelings and relationship injuries, I often find that one partner feels they are right and the other wrong and they want me to either convince the other partner that they are right, take their side, or do basically what I call “divorce counseling” which isn’t an attempt to save the marriage at all, but to validate what is in one or both of the partner’s minds that it’s over and the only course of action that makes any sense, is to dissolve and uncouple the relationship.

Surprise!  I rarely agree to do any of those things. I want to save marriages, not create more divorces. What the majority of these couples are suffering from is a lack of connection. This is not something that happens overnight, and it can’t be fixed overnight. The saving of these
relationships require creating the connection that is lacking and moving forward into creating the relationship that each couple has dreamed of having with their partner since day one. Maybe they’ve had it and lost it, or maybe they never had it at all to begin with. Either way, I show them how to connect to their partner and how to be the partner that each of them needs the other to be. They have to take it to heart though, and take it home and practice it constantly until they get it right. It’s not a linear process, but every success builds on the last until you are having far more positive interactions than anything else. You begin to think kindly of each other and your perceptions, assumptions and expectations of your partner and your relationship begin to change.

Saving your marriage is something you do every day. It’s not a magic bullet, but a series of words backed up by actions that are kind, loving , vulnerable and authentic. It takes diligent effort and accepting that part of this process is excruciating painful. However, the short term pain outweighs the agony of the long term pain and it’s absolutely worth it. You see that in the moments that you look at your partner with a new light and awareness that everything you need and want is right beside you and that they feel the exact same way what a wonderful transformation that is. You save your relationship every time you do the right thing, the respectful thing, the kind thing as it relates to your partner and your family. The choices you make and the actions you take are what save your marriage every single day. One day you’ll wake up and realize that you have created that connection that you always wanted to have with your spouse.

You have that love story that is the envy of all who know you. Knowing you have the power to do that is a wonderful feeling. Putting it in action and making those changes and seeing that outcome, the happiness, joy and that deep and loving connection you share is worth all the work and dedication you put into it.