Why are there so many lonely single men? The majority,(more than sixty percent) of people on dating apps are male. If that doesn’t already put them at a disadvantage, the fact that relationship standards and requirements of single women for healthy relationships have increased is causing fewer good matches to occur, leaving a lot of single and lonely men out there wondering why that is.
Women want men who are able to communicate, who are healthy both mentally and emotionally. They want partners who are emotionally fluent and available; men who are not afraid of intimacy. This explains why relationship opportunities for heterosexual men have greatly decreased, and continue to diminish, according to a recent article in Psychology Today. * This causing an increase in lonely men.
Women are not settling and hoping to change someone who might be deficient in these all-important relationship skills. They are holding men to a much higher standard and requiring them to possess these skills before accepting them as a suitable match.
This problem is only expected to grow unless families and society at large begin to encourage boys to connect to their emotions, and learn to communicate more fluently in emotional language, to learn the value and necessity of intimacy with a romantic partner, and to understand the role that communication and intimacy play in adult love relationships. Without this ongoing developmental skill these boys will become lonely men.
Communication is the cornerstone and foundation for all healthy long-term relationships, perhaps more so with romantic partnerships. Men who are lacking in communication skills and ability can expect to find themselves single for long periods of time, especially if they are relying on dating apps to match them with suitable potential romantic partners.
There is good news amongst all of this, however. Dating app algorithms have been evolving and are becoming increasingly more focused and detailed. What this means to dating hopefuls is that more specific data point matches are leading to a higher success rate of viable relationship match ups. Recent testing of these algorithms have shown that more than seventy percent of the time, couples have been satisfied enough with the person chosen for them to request a second meeting
While the picture may seem a bit bleak, you can also see it as an opportunity. If you’re one of the adult men who has struggled to find a dating partner, you have an opportunity now to do the all-important work on yourself, filling in the gaps in your communication skills, getting healthy mentally and emotionally, and doing the inner work needed to become a well-rounded individual that a woman with high relationship standards would be well-matched with. This may require that you pursue some individual therapy or a spiritual practice to get you in touch with those parts of you that have been locked down or avoided because that wasn’t your perception of who or how a man “should be.” There needs to be a real shift in perception. Not only your own individual perception of self, but of your gender as a whole, as well as your relationship to women as a gender and women as individuals. Take a good look at yourself and think about the relationships you’ve that worked out and those that didn’t. Do an honest assessment of your shortcomings and strengths, and see where you might need improvement. It’s easy to blame the other person, and far more difficult to admit that you might be lacking. It can be hard, but it needs to be done.
If you’ve never learned how to communicate authentically, how to be vulnerable and how to be intimate with a partner, you have a lot to learn. It’s not an easy road, but it is one that is well-worth exploring if you ever hope to have a satisfying and long-term loving adult relationship. If you’re truly committed to finding a life partner, it’s a good idea to learn how to communicate and access your emotions. If you don’t pursue these changes, the chances are good that you will stay single (and lonely) in a holding pattern until you decide to make that change. The first step, as with anything, is to admit that you need improvement in these areas. Once you do, there are many resources available to you to help show you the way. 
The other not-to-be-overlooked piece of this puzzle is child-rearing and education. Parents are clearly not doing enough to teach their boys and young men how to be well-rounded, emotionally available adults. The days of women being the weaker sex, and men being raised to think that to show emotion is weakness are past. A lot of parents get it, but clearly, not enough do or we wouldn’t be having this discussion.
We need to raise our boys and young men to be whole people. Adult men who are well-rounded, mentally and emotionally healthy humans, regardless of society gender norms of the past. Moms and Dads need to teach their boys and young men that it’s important to be conversant with their emotions and to be able to communicate how they feel,as well as what they want and need. They need to be taught how to interact with the opposite sex in a way that builds relationships on friendship and respect and is not focused merely on sexuality. True intimacy is not about sex, and young men need to learn how to distinguish romance, sexuality and intimacy from each other.
Granted, this is a tall order because generationally, sons have learned from fathers who learned from their own fathers. Society as a whole has upheld these ideals of “manhood,” and it’s been difficult to make a break from these societal gender norms. However, the world is changing, and the very topic we’re discussing proves that we must change with it. For men to be successful in their adult relationships, they need to make sure they are “up” on all those crucial communication skills in order to attract a suitable mate. 
Female standards for healthy relationships aren’t likely to fall. They’re more likely to continue to raise the bar, requiring their mates to meet those standards for healthy, well-rounded men who are good communicators, and skilled at romance and intimacy. The goal is a healthy, long-term love relationship that is filled with open and loving communication where both partners are emotionally mature and emotionally available to one another. Isn’t that what we all want?
“The Rise of Lonely Single Men” (August 2022).
