Marriage advice for newlyweds would be not to set unrealistic Expectations for Marriage . This can cause a lot of marriage problems. A large percentage of couples that seek counseling for marital problems do so because they have come to the marriage with unrealistic expectations for newlyweds. When the reality of a marital relationship and their unrealistic expectations collide, it’s a recipe for disaster. My role in the repair of the relationship has to do with helping the individuals understand where their expectations are unrealistic or unreasonable, and showing them how to reconcile real life with what their perception of marriage was. Unrealistic expectations for newlyweds can create a very lonely beginning for your marriage together.
For a person who grew up in the 80’s -2000’s, a look back at the “ideal” marriage of the 1940’s or 50’s would seem like a joke. Yet for generations of Americans, especially, post WWII, it was the expectation of most, if not all married couples. Children who were the result of those marriages carried on the expectations of their parents and even into the 1960’s, there was still the stereotypical marriage, where the man was the head of the house, the breadwinner, and the wife stayed at home, cooking and cleaning, raising the children, and having cocktails ready and dinner on the table when her man got home from work.
Where do these unrealistic expectations for newlyweds come from today, and how do they impact our relationships? These expectations are not always gender specific, but generally speaking, cultural and traditional history has dictated what marriage should look like, societal norms, and media influence also play a big part. Females also had the notion of being rescued, the damsel in distress by her knight in shining armor, evidenced by decades of Disney films and fairy tales and the perpetuation of the idea that females are somehow the “weaker sex,” not to mention a concept of the female is less capable, intelligent or able to achieve greatness in areas historically dominated by men. Those who dared to break out of those molds were given unkind labels and held back. Even today, a woman makes only $0.82 for every dollar a man earns.
While the majority of intelligent and educated people understand that the past ideals that constituted a good marriage advice are no longer valid, sometimes it takes generations for people to re-learn another way of living. If people go into their marriage with these unrealistic expectations, and they are never fulfilled, this can create anger, resentment and a feeling that their spouse simply doesn’t love them enough, or isn’t trying to make the marriage work. This disconnect can lead to many other problems and even cause the breakdown of the relationship. The tendency to blame or to become a victim in the relationship is strong when you don’t feel like your needs (realistic or not) are being met by your partner.
Even small things like which way you put the toilet paper roll on, who is responsible for the dishes, or for shopping, cooking, cleaning, and the like, can turn into major battlefronts between spouses. These things begin to be taken as a personal affront, and if your partner is not meeting your expectation, they become the bad guy in the scenario.When you begin your marriage with unrealistic exceptions the anxiety and lonliness that can surface can begin your life together in a stressful way. Hopefully you would have better marriage advice.
Is there a way to avoid this pitfall going into marriage for the first time? Get honest marriage advice. Absolutely! It’s actually quite easy to handle these issues in the pre-marital phase of the relationship and enter into marriage with perfectly reasonable, realistic and achievable expectations for both spouses to fulfill their role in the marriage. This doesn’t mean that divisions of duties might not change over time, but guarantees that both partners walk into their marriage with eyes wide-open and a realistic sense of what the expectations of their spouse are. Certainly, relationships evolve and requirements and expectations may change over time, but having the skills to discuss the issues and seek the best compromise for the marriage goes a long way towards making these changes a non-issue, and giving you the ability to work through the changes, rather than letting the changes negatively affect your connection with your partner.
Premarital counseling is recommended for young people and anyone going into a first marriage. This critical marriage advice may help you in the long term. Hopefully this can help with not having unrealistic epectation for newlyweds and begin your life together on a more positive note. Even older folks who’ve never been married, or who have lived on their own for a long while can benefit from this counseling. Certainly everything won’t be ironed out completely, but at least you’ll have had a chance to discuss some of these potential pitfalls that can sink your marriage if you don’t pay attention to them. Premarital counseling is an opportunity to discuss in detail what your expectations are and resolve by compromising those things that, while they may not be deal breakers in the relationship, can certainly cause friction in the future and may create resentment, anger or other problems. This needs to not just be superficial but you both need to drill down to the minutiae of life, and your expectations regarding how you will handle it. Do you hate doing laundry, but don’t mind doing dishes? A compromise can be struck. However, if you expect that your partner is going to clean up after you and you have no responsibility for doing the same, that’s an unrealistic expectation that would need to be addressed.
Examine expectations. Are your expectations realistic? Does your partner agree? This isn’t about people pleasing or trying to be the bigger person. This is about how you and your partner are going to deal with each other on a day to day basis and how you expect to handle the issues that come up in your marriage. What are your expectations surrounding keeping the household, the finances, careers, raising any future children. What were the things in your parent’s marriage that made you cringe? What was it that you have determined that you would never do once you were married? What were the things that you admired in your parent’s relationship that you wanted to cultivate and emulate?
I’ve seen some couples that divide their household into the inside and the outside, with one spouse responsible for each. It works for them. Other couples have no problem with having the wife in the traditional homemaker role, and choosing not to work outside the home. If that is what works, that’s fine. As long as both of you are on board, and both feel like you are having your needs and expectations met, this marriage can look any way you want it to look. As long as it is fair and equitable to both parties and both are agreed, then your marriage can look any way you want it to .
Break the cycle now. Give up those cultural norms and traditions that no longer suit our modern way of living and keep what works for you and your partner.
Avoid passing down unrealistic expectations to the next generation by resolving it in your own marriage and teaching your children what real relationships are like, don’t sugar coat it. There is good and not so good in every situation and your kids deserve a better chance and getting it right by following your example. Examine your motives and expectations and set up clear and open communication about anything that bothers you and welcome your partner to do the same. Have family meetings and invite the kids to weigh in to help them get a better sense of how mature adults in loving relationships handle issues that come up. Allow for the evolution of your relationship and the passing of time, and be flexible as your needs grow and change. Keep it real and talk about everything, and you will be able to have a marriage filled with realistic expectations that are easily met and a happier future together. That kind of marriage advice may sustain your marriage forever.
