Getting A Divorce
You are getting a divorce….What now. We don’t go into marriage thinking that we will eventually divorce, but the statistics are against us. When things do go wrong and the relationship fails, how do you cope with that? What are the steps you need to take to get through the pain and grief of divorce, to find closure and acceptance of what your new normal is going to be? The purpose of this article is to give you some insight into coping with divorce. It doesn’t matter who initiated the break-up, whether it was you, your partner, or a mutual decision to end the marriage. There are deep emotions to deal with on both sides. Family dynamics, friends and children all have a reaction that you will be expected to contend with. There is a path through the pain and an outcome for you both that allows you to heal and move forward in life after the divorce where you can feel good about moving on and having a life after separation and divorce.
Grieving the loss
No matter how you slice it, a divorce is a kind of death. Often we don’t know what to do emotionally when we are getting a divorce. It’s important that you allow yourself to grieve that loss the same way you would the loss of a person in your life. Because in fact, you have lost someone. Your partner, whom you thought you would stay with forever, is now lost to you. Don’t be surprised if you go through the normal stages of grief even while that person still lives. You will suffer denial, anger and all the other feelings. Let yourself feel them. That will allow you to move through grief to finally accepting what truly is. You are now missing that partner and their place in your life. I often hear that getting a divorce is harder than a loved one dying. All of the thoughts about other people in their lives etc doesn’t come up when someone has passed away. This is a different kind of grief but has many similarities.
Negotiating the new normal
When you are getting a divorce, everything changes. Your whole identity changes. This can be difficult to navigate, and even more so the longer you’ve been married. Your task is to find out who you are now. You’re not someone’s wife or husband anymore, you have to figure out who you are without that now absent person in your life. All of the ways you were co-dependent; reliant upon one another and identified as partners are now gone.
This takes time and courage to achieve. You may have to go through a few different iterations of yourself before you feel comfortable in your own skin again. It’s not like you can just go back in time to when you used to be single. No. You’ve invested so much of who you are into your marriage as a wife, husband or partner, You’ve learned and experienced a great deal. There’s no way you can go backwards. You must go forward and figure out who you are as a whole person without a partner. Be kind to yourself. This is sometimes a painful process. Be patient, keep striving and you will get there.
Supporting your children
Getting a divorce is a difficult process for adults, and can be even harder when there are children. It’s imperative that you prioritize your childrens’ well-being throughout the separation and divorce and provide the best support that you can for them, even in the midst of the turmoil you’re experiencing. It’s crucial that you do not use the kids as pawns in your negotiations and that you never talk their parent down to them or say mean or hurtful things about your ex-partner in their presence. Doing so only further complicates the situation for the children and asks them to divide their loyalty when they should be feeling loved and protected by both parents.
If your interactions with your ex are antagonistic when you are getting a divorce, do your best to shield your kids and let them know that they are loved and that the separation and dissolution of the household is not their fault but a result of problems that the adults were not able to resolve. Do your utmost to provide an amicable arrangement for them to spend time with both parents and to maintain their relationships with cousins and grandparents on your ex’s side of the family. It’s important for your kids to maintain their family connections, even when you are no longer a part of that family.
Learn to remove emotion from interactions with your ex
To the extent that you are able, learn to deal with your ex without bringing all the hurt between you, past grudges and unresolved history into your interactions when getting a divorce. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the best way for you to move forward with your life and leave the pain of the past behind you. The reason you divorced was that you could not resolve your problems, so stop trying to solve them now, it isn’t going to happen no matter how hard you try. Accept that your relationship must change and learn to be civil to one another in so much as you are required to see each other throughout the divorce proceedings.
Beware the Rebound
It’s hard to be alone when you’re used to having a partner,even if that relationship was toxic and ended badly. There’s a tendency to want to fill the void in your life with a new relationship. Be careful. You’re in a fragile and vulnerable emotional state.
Resist the temptation to jump into a new romantic relationship right away when you may still have unresolved issues leftover from your marriage. It’s okay to date and it feels great to feel attractive to someone new after what you’ve been through. Divorce can really be a hit to your self-esteem, and it’s good to meet other people and put yourself back out there, but don’t rush into anything serious until you’re sure you’ve worked through the issues that were present in your marriage. You may place the blame for the divorce on your ex, but the truth is, you were the other part of the equation, and need to examine your part in the break up. This will help you to make better choices in your romantic partners going forward.
Plan for your future
Rather than wallow in the hurt and pain of the divorce, begin to think of the future. When getting a divorce this is a chance for you to make a brand new start. The possibilities are limitless. Look at where you are in life and think of where you would like to be. See this as an opportunity for you to make choices that will ensure your future happiness.
Once you realize that you have it within you to change your life, you will be able to move forward in a positive way. Resolve to improve your situation, even if you are starting over with nothing. You can now build a life that you want, and not one that someone else is choosing for you. It’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it.
Let go of resentment and blame and open your heart to the possibilities that life has in store for you. You have the power to decide the direction your life takes from now on. That’s an incredibly powerful feeling.Take back that power and let something good come out of all the pain you’ve experienced. Take those lessons forward with you into the future.
It may take some time to figure out who you are without your ex, and who you want to be now, and that’s okay. Just as in the death of a loved one, the death of a marriage needs to be grieved, and there’s no timeline for grief. Each individual must go through the process in their own time. There will come a day when you wake up and realize that you’re no longer grieving; that’s the day when you can begin to look to the future.
If you find yourself stuck, and unable to move past the pain, enlist the help of a professional counselor. Therapy is a great way to process your pain and grief, and the advice of an objective professional will help you to move forward into a more positive and fulfilling life than the one you left behind.
