Are You and Your Partner In A Boring Relationship?

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Do you feel like your relationship is too routine or boring? Do you always know what to expect from your partner, day in and day out, even in your sex life? Are you happy? Is boring ok? 

When you were first getting together with your partner and falling in love things were NEVER boring! You were excited to see, touch and be with your partner. It didn’t matter what you were doing, you just wanted to be together. Time marches on and now you’re a long-term couple, you may be living together, married or simply in a monogamous relationship that has spanned some years. Have you ever wondered if your relationship has gone stale and if you were now a boring couple without excitement or passion? But wait! What if you’re happy and you like the way things are? Is it still boring if you’re happy?

What if I like my routine? 

There’s nothing wrong with feeling comfortable, secure and relaxed in your daily life. We have to give up the notion that being busy 24/7 is necessary to see ourselves as good people. The problems come when one of the partners in the relationship begins to feel unsatisfied with the routine.  There’s a tendency to question “Is this all there is, and ever will be? What if I want more out of life than this? ” It’s then that the two of you need to have a discussion about what you’re doing or not doing in your relationship that is making one of you feel too restless or bored. Talk about what you wish you would be doing instead of what you’re doing now. Make it a non- judgmental and non-blaming conversation and come to the table with some suggestions that your partner can consider. 

What if I feel insecure when things get shaken up too much? 

You may be a person (or persons) who have had a lot of drama, chaos, or even trauma in your past life or relationships. You might be uneasy when things get too busy or unpredictable. You may be married to your routine because it makes you feel safe and in control. There’s nothing wrong with that. Beware of becoming so rigid that you don’t have any room in your life for variance in your day to day. Sometimes circumstances pop up that you’re not expecting. You need to be flexible enough to roll with the curveballs life sometimes throws your way. You and your partner both need the ability to adapt and meet each other where you are at any given time. Inability to do this can cause distance between you and threaten your emotional bond.

Sex life sameness

Another place where having a routine can be a double-edged sword is in your physical relationship. If you and your partner have sex on a schedule, use the same techniques , same positions and have sex in the same place every single time, it’s very possible that one (or both) of you will get bored. Even if you each achieve orgasm, it can still be boring.  Sex is a mental game as much as it is a physical one, so it will serve you well to change it up now and then. Talk to your partner about it and see if they feel the same way, chances are they do.  Making even small changes can have an invigorating and passionate result in your sex life.  Take sex to a different location, have an overnight getaway or experiment with role playing or other sexual games. Passions fade when no effort is made to keep your relationship fresh and exciting. Remember it’s about being playful in all areas of your relationship

Making memories for the future

When you’re living a routine and predictable life you don’t always make time to do new things. When you and your partner grow older, what will you have to look back on? It’s important that you are making memories together now, while you’re able. These memories are going to be important in your later years together. If all you do is sit around home all the time, what do you have to offer? How will you and your partner continue to grow or evolve in your individual lives or as a couple if you never do anything fresh and new together?  It’s important to stretch yourself individually and as part of a couple. You bring incredible memories and passion to your relationship when you do this.

These are but a few things to consider together. Avoid being boring, feeling stuck or uninteresting by continuing to stimulate your mind, exercise your body and keep having new experiences that keep your relationship fresh and exciting. 


About the Author:

Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW helps couples to overcome the disconnection in their relationships. As an author, blogger and podcaster, Stuart has helped couples around the world to experience a unique relationship in which they can feel special and important, confident in knowing they are loved deeply and that their presence matters. The Couples Expert Podcast consists of weekly provocative conversations offering the perspectives and insight of experts from a variety of relationship related fields. Stuart also offers daily relationship video tips on The Couples Expert YouTube channel and by subscription in Stuart's Daily Notes. Stuart is happily married and a devoted father of 2 daughters. His office practice serves the greater Phoenix, Arizona area including the cities of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, and Mesa.