Remember Why You Fell

When I see a couple in my office it’s usually 5 or 6 years too late for a quick solution. Many times these couples have been striving in a series of escalating conflict that boils over into yelling, name-calling, blaming, insulting and a host of other negative interactions. When they’ve finally gotten so deep in the mire they cannot see a way out, they come to me. My job as a couple’s counselor is to help couples find their way out of the muck and reframe their interactions in a more positive light; to give them a pathway to connection.  There’s really no mystery to it, and part of the plan is to help each partner to see that they have the most wonderful person in their life, they simply have lost sight of that fact. I help people remember why they fell in love.

For every couple who shows up in my Scottsdale office, there was once a couple who fell in love. They had that indescribable “something”. A strong, irresistible attraction; call it chemistry or Fate, that drew them together like magnets. They couldn’t help themselves. Sometimes it was just one look, one conversation and it was a done deal. For others it was not such a smooth road. Maybe one partner pursued the other until they finally relented and agreed to go out with them. For others it was friendship that blossomed into deep and abiding love.  How was it for you? 

Do you remember why you fell in love? Was it the sparkle in his eyes, the smile on her lips? What was it that drew you to your partner? Was it a sense of destiny or Divine order? Was it a more simple or practical reason? Perhaps you liked his way with young people and thought he’d be a great dad someday? Maybe it was her cooking or the way she took charge of a situation or kept a home. Perhaps your love story started with a physical attraction and the rest naturally followed. No matter what your origin story of your relationship is, you need to keep it in mind. You don’t ever want to lose that feeling of why you fell in love.  

Keeping love and romance fresh and exciting in a long-term relationship takes a conscious and concerted effort. It falls on both of you to take responsibility for keeping your love alive. You can think of it almost like a third person. There’s you, there’s your partner, and then there’s the two of you together, your relationship. You need to pay attention and nurture that third person (your relationship) just as you need to pay attention and nurture each other individually.  Think of ways you can do that in your life together. 

Romantic dates, getaways, special events and gifts are a few ways. Spending time focused on each other and making your relationship a priority is crucial to keeping that loving feeling in the forefront of your minds.  We can get so bogged down with the everyday routine, the job, the kids, the obligations that we have, that we can forget that our relationship is just as (or even more) important.  Setting aside special couple time may seem selfish but I assure you, you won’t be sorry. Nurture that bond of connection, take time to reminisce together and remember why you fell in love. 

Take a few minutes every so often and just watch your partner. Observe them in whatever they are doing in that moment unbeknownst to them, and simply appreciate where you began together, how far you’ve come, and what a blessing and asset in your life your partner is. Remember why you fell in love. Tell your partner that you were thinking of that special time, and just want to acknowledge how great life is with them in your world. 


About the Author:

Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW helps couples to overcome the disconnection in their relationships. As an author, blogger and podcaster, Stuart has helped couples around the world to experience a unique relationship in which they can feel special and important, confident in knowing they are loved deeply and that their presence matters. The Couples Expert Podcast consists of weekly provocative conversations offering the perspectives and insight of experts from a variety of relationship related fields. Stuart also offers daily relationship video tips on The Couples Expert YouTube channel and by subscription in Stuart's Daily Notes. Stuart is happily married and a devoted father of 2 daughters. His office practice serves the greater Phoenix, Arizona area including the cities of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, and Mesa.