We all know them. Couples we admire.Those who always seem happy, laughing, sharing secrets and kisses. They may be your parents, your grandparents or family friends whom you’ve seen over the years. They never grow apart but become closer with the passage of time. It seems that their relationship with each other seems to just get stronger and more solid as the years pass. You may wonder what their secret is. Can you and your partner have that for yourselves? Will others ever look at you as a couple and wish to be like you? This St. Patrick’s Day week I’m here to share with you that you and your partner can achieve that place where your relationship makes ‘em green with envy!
I’m not talking about a public persona where you and your partner put on a happy face for your friends then have a different experience when you’re home behind closed doors in private. What I refer to is a true and authentic relationship where you and your partner live every day knowing that you have each other’s backs, and that no one in the entire world is more important than the two of you.
When you’re that close, that connected, you treat each other with kindness, respect, compassion and care. Your focus everyday should be your relationship with your partner. You keep them in your thoughts when you’re away from them, and when you’re together, you romance and court them constantly. Laughter and fun are restored in relationships when both the partners pay attention to each other and their relationship daily. Your attention is not wasted. You will see your relationship flourish and blossom under that kind of care.
This is not to say that you will never disagree, get frustrated or triggered, because let’s face it, that’s just not realistic. We all have triggers. We all have areas of our lives that frustrate us. The difference for some people is that they let the triggers win, they let the circumstances dictate how they respond and whether or not they are going to take it out on their partner. Couples who are connected in a deep way with that enviable relationship that we’re striving for have something these couples do not.
They have the knowledge that they are important to their partner, that they matter to them. They know that no matter what is going on, what circumstances are presented, that their partner is going to be there for them. If the partner is somehow involved in the conflict or frustration, they know that it’s not going to harm the relationship. They are secure in the knowledge that their partner sees past all of the issues to the truth of their feeling for one another. This allows them to see past the moment of frustration to the heart of the issue and the beauty of the relationship. Then they can work together as a couple to overcome any obstacle and to be happy in the security they have with each other.
How do they keep secure? They take risks and speak vulnerably . Each partner knows they can show their true self by letting the partner into their inner world. The actions and the worlds become consistent help each other know they are important and feel important to the partner.
Being that couple that turns ‘em green with envy doesn’t happen by magic, or overnight. You’re not guaranteed that you’re going to be a compatible and happy couple simply because you fall in love with each other. In fact, when you do fall in love, that can be the journey of discovery where you find you don’t seem to be too compatible in spite of how much you love each other. What do you do then? How do you transform your relationship into one of connection and joy? Is it even possible? It is. I see these transformations every week in my office practice here at The Couples Experts. Troubled couples come to me where they’ve been in negative cycles of arguing and escalating, sabotaging their happiness and hurting one another. We begin where they are to get down to the heart of the issues and to help them remember why they fell in love, why they chose each other. Then we work on repairing the relationship and helping these couples to find their way to a new level of connection through counseling.
Let’s not forget something here. The attachment needs we all have are the things that allow us to feel joy in our lives. This is a need not a want. This is not an option in which we can see I guess I will have this and other times no I don’t choose this. You may not realize it, but this connection is just as important as food and water. Without it we don’t thrive personally or professionally. We won’t define our life as successful. This is not dependency. It’s an interdependency of giving and taking so that two people feel secure that they matter to another human being in this world. Don’t minimize the importance of this. When you have it the world is a glorious place.
If you want to be one of those enviable couples who have it all, you can. Both of you have to want it and be willing to put in the time and effort on your relationship that it takes to have it. When you do that and nothing in the world is more important to you that having that level of connection in your relationship, you will shine for all to see. This process is ongoing and you and your partner can have a relationship that others will see as something to strive for and have it for the rest of your lives.