In science, each disappointment brings your closer to a great discovery. In love and relationships, each painful experience can bring you closer and closer to a successful marriage. A relationship is a lesson you can learn about yourself, who you’re most compatible with, what to do and what not to do next time. You see, a successful marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes more than true love to make it work. If you’ve got a string of disappointing relationships behind you, I hope you’ll be encouraged by this article. Your successful marriage might very well be right around the corner.

Before you can say “this is the one, this is my successful marriage partner”, you have to do a few things.

The first thing is the autopsy. You have to take a long hard look at your past relationships, your exes, and the circumstances under which you got together, fell in love, and why the relationship ended. You have to be honest and truthful with yourself. It’s easy to blame the other person, but if you’re being honest, there’s blame to share. No break up is ever the fault of one of the partners entirely. It’s only when you’re willing to own your responsibility for your relationships that you can be prepared for your successful marriage.

The second thing is the inventory of characteristics of your exes that you loved and that you didn’t like so much. What are the things that are “deal breakers” for you? You want to be absolutely sure that the next partner you choose has more of those you loved in others, and less of those you hated. We can always compromise a little, and that is necessary for a successful marriage, but set your new relationship up for success next time by being more selective about people who have those traits that you love and admire.

The third thing is to turn inward. Judge yourself and look at the ways that you helped to cause the break ups. Are there things that you do or say that you wish you didn’t? You have areas in your own behavior and your own character that you can work on right now that will help you through the next relationship. If you truly want a successful marriage (and who doesn’t get married to have that?), you need to be a person that someone else can live with and love. If you know you have an issue, a thing that triggers you, you can do the work on that thing and it will become less of an issue for you in your next relationship. You can also be up front and authentic about it with your new partner, letting them know that this has been an issue for you and other partners, and since you really want to have a successful marriage with your partner, you’re committed and dedicated to doing the work to better yourself in this area.

For example if you have an issue with suspicion and jealousy, worrying about your partner cheating, whether they’ve given you cause to or not, that’s something within yourself that you need to fix. Your partner can encourage and support you in doing this work by being transparent and trustworthy, but you have to tackle this within yourself. The issue is your own insecurity and not your partner’s good looks or winning personality

Strive to move forward and beyond the problems you’ve had in other relationships and do your best to be a whole person. One that is confident and happy to stand on your own as an individual. You don’t need anyone to complete you, you’re already complete and you’re looking for that perfect partner to create a life and a successful marriage with. If you can avoid bringing all that baggage to the table, and instead present a whole person who is looking for a partner to share their life with, your odds of finding that person and having a happy and successful marriage increase exponentially.

Not too many people go looking for somebody who needs fixing. Instead , you both want to meet your match and build a live and successful marriage based on great communication, great respect and great love.

Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW helps couples to overcome the disconnection in their relationships As an author, blogger and podcaster, Stuart has helped couples around the world to experience a unique relationship in which they can feel special and important, confident in knowing they are loved deeply and that their presence matters.

His weekend workshop, Two Days: Seven Conversations has become a popular venue for many to set off on their journey of connectedness. The Couples Expert Podcast consists of weekly provocative conversations offering the perspectives and insight of experts from a variety of relationship related fields. Stuart also offers daily relationship video tips on The Couples Expert YouTube channel and by subscription in Stuart’s Daily Notes. Stuart is happily married and a devoted father of 2 daughters. He lives and works in Scottsdale, Arizona.